OT : Very Depressed & Hopless…
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I feel for you, Jay. Losing a loved one is horrible and it is only natural that you feel like you do, even the way you blame yourself for things (although you are not at fault). Just don‘t do anything stupid – like ending your life!
Everything seems dark and forlorn to you at the moment and you cannot see anything positive in your life. But believe me, it WILL get better. Maybe not today, or tomorrow. But eventually it will. And then you will look back and be glad you did not buy and use that gun after all.
Your wound is too fresh right now, so your grief overwhelmes you and you cannot think clearly. You must give it enough time to heal. A week is too short a time and you are still in shock. It usually takes at least a year to truly cope with the death of a family member.
Yes, you feel hopeless. But there are so many possibilities, so many different choices you can make. You cannot see them through your grief, but they are there.
You should definitely talk to someone. If you can‘t talk to your relatives, talk to a friend, to someone you know, or even to a total stranger. Visit a doctor, or a priest if you are of the religious sort. Call some help phone line. Posting here and sharing your sorrow with us is a first step.
As for your father‘s bills, they were his, not yours, so you shouldn’t have to pay them. The companies who issued them won't become broke when they don't get the money. If you do not have enough money for the upkeep of your house, then maybe you could rent the house or sell it and find a nice little apartment instead that will be cheaper to take care of? Your house may be your home and you might be emotionally attached to it – but giving up your house is better than giving up your life.
Jay,
First, Id like to say thank you for sharing your story. It is a powerful story, a worthy story, and a deeply human story. I can relate on many levels and I think you may have helped to heal a wound I've been carrying for a while now.
My condolences to you and your family for your loss.
Sadness comes in waves. Like any wave, it will have its peaks and valleys. A few hours may go by without tears and then all of a sudden a wave of sadness hits and overcomes us until the next valley comes along. Try to remember that sadness isn't a constant, it cannot be, it will pass eventually and it will return as well, but to a lesser degree over time.
Change. What I get from reading about your feelings today is that you are open to making changes in your life to find more happiness. Some would call this a rock bottom sort of thing, where you reach the point where almost anything seems better than the current state.
Suicide, is only one type of change a person can make in their lives, and it is far from the ONLY choice available. There are other options before you, much better options, you just need to be open to them. As suggested by everyone who's posted so far, do seek professional help with this because these are life and death stakes we're dealing with here.
Realize too, that people are strong. It's never a single issue that gets us down, it's going to be those combination punches such as physical health issues combined with emotional issues combined with financial issues combined with a romantic breakup...this is when it begins to feel like all the walls are beginning to collapse onto us.
Your story has helped me today. I have been guilty of falling into the trap of qualifying a person's life by the circumstances of that person's death. I can barely even look at photographs of recently lost loved ones because seeing them smile makes me so sad. Instead of remembering the happy time the image is supposed to remind me of, I'm instead fixed on the event of their death as if nothing that happened before it had any value. That's a real problem in my own head, and I've got to get over it. A person can lead a very fruitful life and still come to a sad end. We will all die in one macabre fashion or other, and for the record no death is pretty so we really should try NOT to focus too much on the exact gory details as focusing on such will surely increase depression related thoughts.
My cat was sick and I was low on funds to take him into the vet and by the time I got the funds and I got the cat into the holder and into a cab and then to the vet, I placed him on the counter to fill out paperwork but I explained he was having trouble breathing so they took him away immediately. I was only to the point of filling out my name on the forms when the nurse came back saying the cat had gone into cardiac arrest. I broke down. No sooner had I arrived at the vet that the cat had died. Aw, man, it makes me sad still. Here was this animal I had cared for all his life. He was depending on me to take care of him. I could tell he was sick, but I didn't know how sick and I should have made getting him to a vet a higher priority than I did and maybe he wouldn't have died...so I keep telling myself. How could I be such a bad caregiver?
I seem to forget about the million other times I DID get him to the vet, and the million extra special things I used to do for my cat when he was alive. All I can see is what went wrong when what went right is what matters the most.
You stuck in there and helped your father until the end even when he cursed you for it. I think you did exactly the right thing. You endured his moods and his negative statements, which takes its own toll on your mind, but you never let it sour you on your love for your father, which makes you a very caring person.
Your father had no idea he was going to die that night, because if he did he would have gladly allowed you to get him the help he was refusing. You also had no idea he would die that night, because if you did you would have gone over his head and called an ambulance much earlier. Fact is, no one knew what was about to happen so no one could have done anything any differently than what was done.
You deserve happiness, Jay. You know right from wrong and you do the right thing even when it isnt easy. I greatly respect that. You are not responsible for the cycle of life itself. And no amount of love for our family members can prevent them from seeing their end some day.
That said, the change you need to make in your life is to now focus more on yourself and what you really need to be a happy individual today and in the future. Trust yourself to find those things you've been putting on the back burner because you've been so focused on caring for other people.
In the short term, you might consider channeling your feelings about losing your father into something tangible. A poem, or even an open letter to your late father where you tell him how you feel and how much you miss him and how differently you wish things had turned out. You should then share this content, be it a letter, a poem, a render, or anything else. Show it to someone who knew him and will feel his spirit in the work. I suggest this to you because for me I only feel better about things when I start taking some sort of action, even if only symbolic, catapults my healing.
And you always have us, your Daz community.
Think of your father at his happiest time, and make an image of it and hang it on your wall.
For the financial issues you should consider starting new accounts with the utilities in your own name so you can keep them on without having to pay your father's previous balances. I do think the advice you were given about looking into medical malpractice for the drug he was on is a wise move for may reasons, both financial and for your conscience. It would help you blame yourself a bit less.
Best of luck, Jay.
I feel, me too, for you, Jay.
Your story has helped me.
English is not my language, so i'm linking to all others's good and caring suggestions
including ask for a pastor, a friend, a social worker
“you are stronger than you think you are” , "you are very precious" !
we are with you !
Best of luck, Jay
Has anyone heard from Jay? PM? Anything? I hope our advice to seek professional help was taken.
no but I have been checking his profile regularly
Member Local Time
October 06, 2014 12:56 PM
Last Visit
October 06, 2014 06:42 AM
is last entry, so know he has been reading our thoughts and so encourage everyone to keep posting
lost too many people, do not want to lose anyone needlessly
JAY please use 3D to help you cope, it is a good way of escaping life's hurt a bit
and hurt is what you need to wait fr to fade
it will
time is a healer
I dreamt a great dream with my Mum in it last night, 14 years after her horrid death
the dream made me smile as I remember her so fondly
the pain has passed the good memories remain
Thanks for posting that Wendy. I too have been worried, well I'm sure quite a few of us have been.
Jay, I hope you are hanging on in there. If you need help or just someone to listen, we're here.
Jay,
I know a very nice person with fybromialgia.
About 10 years ago this guy was suffering from pain so much
that he did not want to live longer, and on top of that, the doctor predicted him
that he could not even lift a glass within a few years.
Now he plays the electric guitar PERFECTLY!
Time ago the pain was unbearable, now are bearable.
He also told me that he prays a lot and receives the strength from God to move forward.
This person ( he is 30 years old ) by a certain time takes vitamins:
but, PLEASE NOTE, with the DOCTOR-MEDICALCONTROL , because it is VERY VERY VERY heavy on the liver:
magnesium, potassium, zinc, Harpagophytum procumbens, boswellia,
glucosamine, chondroitin, msm group, melatonin
I hope it can be useful
Still, a big hug from all of us!
Thanks for posting that information, Wendy.
Jay, I sent you a PM.
I'll send more PM to you as soon as possible.
Hold on
there is a way out, there always is.
@ Wendy ♥ catz:
Thanks for that
is a relief to know that he is reading our post ...
Jay,
I am sorry for your loss and all that you have been and are going through. I may not know you personally, but I know that it does help to know that there are others around who you can call or ask for help. As others have said, we here at DAZ are here for you, just ask.
((HUG))
I always have a shoulder for someone to cry on, if they want to.
And thing get worse it seems.
I've been having all the family members and friends try and tell me what to do.
The family members are the worse I think and feel that they are just after money or something. They keep saying don't trust this friend or relative and they don't know anything about the person they are talking about.
The keep trying to say you need to do this and this with the little money you have.
I had a couple of relatives bring food to the funeral and a lot of it was left over, but the relatives who are going on about financial stuff took all the food leftovers. The relatives who bought the food were furious about this when I talked to them on the phone.
My blood sugar levels have been running very erratically too.
I was at a 64 on Sunday and all mot feel down and was lucky I was only 3 houses away from my house.
Yesterday morning I was at 180 in the morning and I didn't eat much for dinner. Yesterday evening I was at 87.
This morning I again was covered in perspiration and had no appetite. My sugar level was 110 this morning, which is good and I forced my self to eat a normal breakfast after I checked it. This afternoon I had dropped to 44 about 5 hours I had eaten breakfast and I wasn't feeling sick or anything.
I've been worried that my sugars are going to drop too low when I'm sleeping or doing something and fall unconscious.
On Monday I lost my wallet with my ID, Debit Card, etc. I got new ID and canceled the card. The only reason I lost them was because I was rushing to head home from the post office & then the libary after getting a call from a relative and wasn' thinking clearly.
Tuesday I had a doctor appointment about my foot that I fractured was swollen up more and I have neuropathy in the foot. The doctor told me I have to keep it bandaged again and I can't walk on it much as thatt made it swell up.
I have a follow up doctor appointment for my foot next week and a neurology appointment a few days before it.
The relatives on my father's side of the family kept trying to get me to buy prepaid burial plans with the little money I have.
On Wednesday I go told that if anything happens to me I'm on my own and they won't help. They were furious that I went to the bank and withdrew money on Wednesday. They wanted me to sign it over to them. They want to ration out any money I have or may get from my dad. I also got told that my foot wasn't injured since I was walking on it on Monday and tried to run on it when I was hyperventilating after losing my wallet by a family member.
On Tuesday I talked and signed with a lawyer about my dad's death and to look into amalpractice claim. I think that will also cover the Xeralto angle too. The family didn't want me to do this.
On Wednesday I tried and call a lawyer to see about wht to do with the house, etc. and was told they would call me back on Thursday. I haven't gotten a call back.
At the doctor on Tuesday I got told that my weight had dropped to 180 pounds. I was 188 pounds 3 days before my dad died.
Last Saturday, I went to go have my eyes checked and get new glasses & contacts and got told I may have a problem with one of my retinas. I also got told by relatives that I couldn't handle money as my exam and glasses/contacts coasted a good bit of money.
I feel weak, tired, & depressed.
I went to sleep on Wednesday at 7:00 PM & couldn't get out of bed till 9:00 AM.
Tomorrow I have meeting to go to and I'm not sure if I'll lose the medical benefits and aid I get now after it.
I honestly am just tired and sick.
My fibromyalgia is acting up real bad because of all the stress. I had to type all of this up into a text file when I could because the pain is so bad.
I did try and log in for a few minutes in the past few days and I saved all the posts people had posted to read them when I could and try to make a reply back. I still need to try and read the PMs I was sent and reply back to them. I've been downloading the posts to read at home as I don't have net access at my house and have to go to a library or coffee shop to log in.
I was trying to just maintain & do my normal routine up to Monday.
Sorry for this not being organized and complaining so much.
I'll try and make a post on any progress if I can.
The few times I was on in the past few days I couldn't type anything.
Tanks for all the kind thoughts. I'm still trying to read all the reply posts everyone made.
Lots of love and hugs.
-Jay
I’ll send more PM to you now
My condolences, Jay. It is a hard event in your life right now, but there is hope. You can see in this forum that there are many here who care for you. All I can do for you right now is pray for you and provide you with the phone number and link to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Please give them a call. 1-800-273-8255 http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Take care my friend.
take the good advice from others ignore the bad
your relatives only have a say if you let them
it is your life and if they try to run it tell em to butt out..
you health is your prime concern and any threats that we won't help you if you do not let us grab your money should be a clear indication that those are not the people you want to trust with it, as I am sure you are aware.
many people are not close to if at all to their relatives for this very reason, it is not something to feel bad about, just accept, move on, make friends with others, even if online from forums.
Just make sure you are safe, monitor your sugars and eat exercise accordingly, you do not want to lose your foot like a few diabetics I know have.
Oh Jay ... {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}
Please get help!
Jay, in your first post you said: "I don’t know what is going to happen next or what to do I can’t think straight."
Which is why you shouldn't make any important decisions now that you can't take back.
You have suffered a real emotional trauma compounded by physical pain.
I have first-hand experience with depression, and I know it can make your mind a mess - can't concentrate, can't keep thoughts straight, everything - even the simplest things - takes much more effort to do. Even things that never seemed to take any effort before can require effort when one is depressed. And there's no pleasure in anything to reward you for the effort.
And yet you can get back to normal, you can heal, you can get your competence back. Many people have gone through trouble as serious and oppressive as what you're enduring right now, and as unbelievable as it may seem in your present state, normal, successful, healthy, competent and happy life *can* exist in your future. People survive emotional trauma and depression and physical maladies all the time, and recover and go one to enjoy the rest of their lives.
You just have to keep being reminded of that. Look for success stories of survivors. Keep reading such stories. Make it real to yourself, over and over again.
Listen to uplifting music, if that helps. Attend to your mood. Do nice things for yourself.
Don't spend time with negative people, people who criticize and bring you down, any more than you have to.
Find people who understand, people who have healthy values and generous spirits. If you don't happen to have any of those around, try to find some. Even just one will do.
Seek out books and movies that show you examples of the kind of good people that you'd like to have around you. Show yourself that there are people out here that are worth finding and getting to know and to have as friends. And that it's worth living through this crappy, sucky, agonizing bad time in order to get to the good stuff.
And here's something that I'm so glad I did when I was depressed: even though I often felt like doing nothing, felt so weak and tired and fatigued that even tying my shoes seemed too much of an effort, I did what I had to do. I got up out of bed in the morning. I went to the bathroom. I showered. I brushed my teeth and my hair. And I tied my shoes.
I took care of myself.
I managed to preserve the defiant thing inside me that told me that I MUSTN'T let it beat me. I mustn't give in. I must fight. I must tie my shoes. Even though I couldn't experience the emotional reward that normally comes with refusing to submit, I stubbornly insisted that I would not voluntarily give up that last bit of self respect that it was in my power to preserve.
And I'm now so proud of myself for that.
I'm 60 years old. I had my depressions in my teen years, and then again in my 40s. But aside from that, I've had a very happy life. I didn't find the love of my life until I was 48, and I have now been with him for 11 years and love him more than I did when we married.
Life is good.
Perhaps the most challenging thing right now for you is to find sound advice on how to handle your financial affairs. I don't think, in your case, having family advise you or take over for you is a good idea. I don't know what to recommend in this case - how to find a trustworthy advisor. My family has always been able to help me, and I've had good professional advice that they found for me.
But it's important to find help in this worrisome area - someone that won't charge you too much, but who knows his or her stuff and is honest. Perhaps a friend who knows his stuff financially? Do you have anyone like that?
Does anyone here have any helpful advice in this area for Jay?
Anyhow, please keep fighting for your life. Take care of your health. Be kind to yourself. Know that no matter how bad things are right now, it's not permanent. And when you can think and organize better, you can work your way into a happy life.
Meanwhile, do what you know is right and good and healthy for yourself. Make yourself proud, even if you can't really feel the pride until you're well.
It's worth the struggle.
Jay, If your Dad did not have will when he died you will have to have a lawyer to sort out the probate on his estate. That will take a bit of time. If he did have a will you will still need a lawyer to deal with the probate but it will be much faster. I think you need to be the one who sorts that out so you don't get taken advantage of. Unless that family keep talking about is siblings then you need to ignore them for the time being. They don't seem to be very caring or empathetic. If they are siblings and hence possible inheritors then perhaps their behavior, while crass and self centered, may at least be fathomable. Seeking proper health care and eye care (especially for a diabetic) is not "bad with money". In fact being pro active is a money saver down the line. Again, if you need a shoulder or an ear I'm here.
Hang in there, Jay. In the past 4 years, I have lost my father, mother, brother, two aunts, one of my Chihuahuas, and Jaderail. I have been through 4 years of hell with CitiMortgage because I inherited my father's house and mortgage. The mortgage part is straightened out now. Thank God it was a VA loan because my VA rep saved the house for foreclosure twice. Depression--I still have it, but my doctor is on it.
You have received very good advice from our friends here. I have been encouraged by what all of you have written to Jay. I bet you didn't know that you were reaching out to others also. Take baby steps and don't give up. You and I are not alone.
Anne, a lot of us care about you too,
you are a very strong brave lady
its just a shame you prefer Facebook to Skype as I am thinking of closing my FB account as it becomes an increasing security risk or we might chat more.
Seem to miss each other on forum, though thanks to Google play I can no longer Skype on my Android anyway, just when on PC.
Jay, online friends help a lot in ones life as I found only in the past few years.
hobbies like 3D increase the chances of making such friends
people who share an interest, not freaks out to hurt, defraud and troll as one meets looking for internet friends.
so stick with the 3D
And ae Jay, how are things? Okay?
Keep firm and looking forward.
Please
stop believing in their feelings and thoughts ...
When we are depressed / resentful / hurt our feelings lie,
When we are depressed, our thoughts lie
When we are depressed, resentful, feelings and thoughts will always tell us that there is no solution, there's no way out ... The feelings lie when we are depressed.
So you need to move beyond the pain,
even under the depression; go, go, go ...
There is a way out, there is always
I see your last visit was Dec1, I really do hope you are ok, have been worried (hugs)
I would love to hear from you too. I think about you often and wonder how you are getting along. Please let us hear from you. We do care.
I also like to know how things are going with you ...
Ditto- hugs from Florida.
Prayers going your way from Malta..
hope you are feeling better...
Well, I clicked the "Member Profile" and it says "Last visit March 20, 2015"... So the account is still active...
Jay_NOLA may not be subscribed to this thread (or be getting the notices) and may not know we are concerned...
I hope that Jay_NOLA is okay (sorry if I'm referring to you in a gender neutral manner, I'm really bad at guessing people's genders online)...( in real life too sometimes... especially with burly Viking women)... (My guess is Jay is a guy's name, since my friend named his son Jay, but he named his older daughter Ludwig, which is odd since he isn't German or living in the 1700s, but I suppose that's not a good reference point anyway)....
Well, I would suggest if there is someone who is not me, who comes across as less crazy, annoying and nosey as me... Which is pretty much anyone here... Maybe that someone who is not me, should PM Jay_NOLA and see how they are doing...
I'd do it, but I'm pretty sure I freak people out when they get an unsolicited PM from me... I imagine if they got a PM from Freddy Kruger or Jason Voorhees, it would probably be less disturbing... But, yeah... Maybe someone should give that a whirl...
If nobody does and you- Jay_NOLA, do end up reading this, please know that we are concerned and nobody PMed because I mentioned how unsolicited PMs may be interpreted as creepy and people here became all self conscious and waited for someone else to make the move and everyone else was doing the same...
It's a terrible Catch-22...
If someone does try and contact Jay_NOLA and they don't respond, I would not immediately fear the worst... Jay_NOLA may be feeling shy or is being held captive by a roving band of sea otters...
It's a long story why I assumed sea otters, but suffice to say it's not entirely impossible that they have taken Jay_NOLA hostage and are using the account to buy sea otter related content and make posts in Jay_NOLA's name...
If this is the case and the sea otters are reading this... We have 2,000 Abalone we are willing to trade for the safe release of Jay_NOLA and we are willing to address your otterish grievances...
Don't tell the otters, but I only had one abalone and I already ate it for breakfast and it's mostly just a trap...
I probably shouldn't have wrote that part...
Anyway... I'm just covering all the bases...
Be well Jay_NOLA and lettuce know how you are doing... I mean let us...
Bye.